Growing up, I often heard my parents and grandparents talk about spoiling babies, letting them "cry it out," and not giving in to tantrums. That traditional mindset of maintaining strict boundaries with children seemed to dominate. However, I've noticed a dramatic shift in the parenting style embraced by today's generation. Terms like "gentle parenting" have become widespread, and I see many moms proudly stating they don't let their babies cry or they aim to be their child’s constant source of comfort.
While these ideas resonated with me on some level, I started to feel conflicted when I encountered more extreme views. Setting boundaries with my daughter began to feel like a challenge.
Before becoming a mom, I was convinced that I would maintain a clear sense of authority. I thought, “I’ll be the parent who doesn’t give in to tantrums or let my child run the household.” But once my daughter arrived, I realized that while maintaining authority was crucial for her safety and well-being, it was equally important to give her a sense of control in certain situations and support her emotional development. As time went on, though, I began to notice the lines between authority and accommodation had blurred.
So, I took a step back. I blocked out the noise from all the parenting advice around me and reflected on the type of mom I wanted to be and the kind of relationship I wanted to foster with my daughter. I thought about the boundaries I had already established when she was just a baby. If I could set those limits then, I could set new ones now. And I realized that I could do so with kindness and patience, while still being emotionally available and supportive.
One key shift we made as parents was rethinking how we communicated with our daughter. My husband and I had developed the habit of phrasing almost everything as a question. We often negotiated with her, hoping to prevent tantrums, but this approach started to create confusion and frustration. So, we decided to stop asking questions when it wasn't actually a choice. We now aim to be clear and direct while still offering choices when appropriate.
I've also become more comfortable allowing tantrums to happen. If my daughter doesn’t like the choices given to her, I no longer negotiate endlessly to avoid her upset. Instead, I do my best to be present with her through those difficult emotions. If she needs space, I give it to her, but I remain nearby so she knows I’m there when she's ready. Sometimes, that means offering a hug; other times, it’s just rubbing her back while she cries. We want her to understand that it’s okay to feel her emotions and that there are safe, healthy ways to express them. Most importantly, we want her to know she doesn’t have to go through them alone.
I’ve come to understand that setting boundaries with children is all about finding balance—balancing authority with grace, and balancing the needs of your child with your own. It's about being both a teacher and protector, as well as a confidant and comforter. As parents, we are here to guide, support, and love, all while helping our children navigate their own journey.
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